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Dearest Children of Mine,
Yesterday we talked about how to have a fair fight. Today, we'll talk about a critical component
of fair and healthy conflict, and that's the apology. Please remember your goal in an argument
isn't to prove yourself right, it's to gain deeper understanding about the
other person while you resolve the conflict.
Also, you must determine that you will do no further damage to the
relationship because of things you say or do while in the heat of the argument.
There are two sides to an apology - giving and
receiving. We'll talk about giving an
apology first. While no one should be
"grading" your apologies, here are the basic components of the kind
of apology that can do the deepest healing.
Say "I'm sorry"
Just those two words and you're off to a great start.
Acknowledge their feelings
Imagine how the other person must have felt, and empathize
with that. "What I said was
hurtful", "My comment must have been embarrassing to you". This gives assurance to the other person that
you understand the situation and have considered their perspective. Remember, the goal of an argument is greater
intimacy. Learning what is hurtful to
the other person strengthens the foundation of your relationship. In this case, knowledge is power to improve.
Take responsibility
Your actions caused the other person harm, and when you own
that, you convey to the other person that you value them. You can do this by saying "I was
wrong" without offering excuses or defending your actions. Your apology is about them, and about their
feelings, Whether or not your hurtful
actions were intentional, the end result is the same: someone's feeling are hurt, and it's your
responsibility. Take responsibility for
that, and don't make excuses.
Ask forgiveness
This is the most difficult and humbling part of an apology,
because you are completely vulnerable to the other person. But this act of humility conveys trust that
they will respond to your apology with mercy.
It calls both of you to value the relationship over either of your
feelings, and when you both step up to that, it can put you on the fast track
to healing.
Now that we've covered giving an apology, let's consider how
to receive an apology:
Make it safe
Offering an apology is putting yourself at the mercy of the
other person. Honor them and your
relationship by extending grace. And it
will do you good to consider the Golden Rule here ... you will surely be on the
giving side soon enough. Treat the other
person the way you want to be treated.
Furthermore, if you show the other person that you are likely to accept
their apologies graciously, you will build trust, and it will be more likely
that you'll get an apology next time it's your due.
Say thank you
It takes humility to say I'm sorry. Thank the other person for saying it. It means they value you.
Say the words
Listen to the apology, and then say the words: "I forgive you". Don't take another opportunity to tell them
how wrong they were, it's time to let it go.
Say "I forgive you" and then actively practice forgiveness
every single time your heart wants to go over the offense again. Sometimes you have to remind yourself. Say it outloud to yourself in the mirror if
you have to: "I've forgiven them
for that. I'm letting it go and we're
moving on."
Don't grade
To be in a relationship with another human being requires
lots and lots of grace. Next, we'll
talk about who needs that the most.
thanks for reading!
Shared joy is doubled joy ... let's double the joy for both of us - what are you most grateful for today? Click below to leave your comment. I'll go first :
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