Mom Talk #16: Apologize

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Yesterday we talked about how to have a fair fight.  Today, we'll talk about a critical component of fair and healthy conflict, and that's the apology.  Please remember your goal in an argument isn't to prove yourself right, it's to gain deeper understanding about the other person while you resolve the conflict.  Also, you must determine that you will do no further damage to the relationship because of things you say or do while in the heat of the argument.

There are two sides to an apology - giving and receiving.  We'll talk about giving an apology first.  While no one should be "grading" your apologies, here are the basic components of the kind of apology that can do the deepest healing.

Say "I'm sorry"

Just those two words and you're off to a great start. 

Acknowledge their feelings

Imagine how the other person must have felt, and empathize with that.  "What I said was hurtful", "My comment must have been embarrassing to you".  This gives assurance to the other person that you understand the situation and have considered their perspective.  Remember, the goal of an argument is greater intimacy.  Learning what is hurtful to the other person strengthens the foundation of your relationship.  In this case, knowledge is power to improve.

Take responsibility

Your actions caused the other person harm, and when you own that, you convey to the other person that you value them.  You can do this by saying "I was wrong" without offering excuses or defending your actions.  Your apology is about them, and about their feelings,   Whether or not your hurtful actions were intentional, the end result is the same:  someone's feeling are hurt, and it's your responsibility.  Take responsibility for that, and don't make excuses.

Ask forgiveness

This is the most difficult and humbling part of an apology, because you are completely vulnerable to the other person.  But this act of humility conveys trust that they will respond to your apology with mercy.  It calls both of you to value the relationship over either of your feelings, and when you both step up to that, it can put you on the fast track to healing.

Now that we've covered giving an apology, let's consider how to receive an apology:

Make it safe

Offering an apology is putting yourself at the mercy of the other person.  Honor them and your relationship by extending grace.  And it will do you good to consider the Golden Rule here ... you will surely be on the giving side soon enough.  Treat the other person the way you want to be treated.  Furthermore, if you show the other person that you are likely to accept their apologies graciously, you will build trust, and it will be more likely that you'll get an apology next time it's your due. 

Say thank you

It takes humility to say I'm sorry.  Thank the other person for saying it.  It means they value you.

Say the words

Listen to the apology, and then say the words:  "I forgive you".  Don't take another opportunity to tell them how wrong they were, it's time to let it go.  Say "I forgive you" and then actively practice forgiveness every single time your heart wants to go over the offense again.   Sometimes you have to remind yourself.  Say it outloud to yourself in the mirror if you have to:  "I've forgiven them for that.  I'm letting it go and we're moving on."

Don't grade

 A dichotomy exists here.  If you're on the giving end of the apology, read the above and take those steps.   If you're on the receiving end of an apology, please read on.  The more you practice "good" apologies, the easier it gets.  But we all have to start somewhere, and that means you may or may not be in a relationship with someone fluent in the art of apologizing.   Sometimes, you have to let people say they're sorry the best way they can.  That may mean accepting a casual "my bad" or a seemingly unrelated act of kindness in place of steps one through four above.   Trust that the other person will become more adept at apologizing, and accept their apology in whatever form it comes.  

To be in a relationship with another human being requires lots and lots of grace.  Next, we'll talk about who needs that the most.

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Mom Talk #15: Fight Fair

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Yesterday, we talked about being generous in your relationships.  Even in the best and most generous relationships, though, there is the occasional fight.  Today I'd like to talk about how to fight fair.  Have you ever wondered what's the goal of a fight?  The goal of a fight is to win the fight, right?  Or maybe to school the other person and teach them a lesson?  Actually, there's a better answer. The goal of every argument should be greater intimacy.  If done fairly and well, your conflict should help you understand each other better, deepen your relationship and bring you closer together.  Here are some rules for having a fair fight.

Time it right

Timing is everything, isn't it?  It applies to arguments, too.  If the outcome matters - and it should, if you're going to the trouble to argue - it's worth it to make sure your timing is right.  Wait until you have complete privacy.  And if possible, choose a time to talk when everyone is rested, no one is hungry, and you can give your full attention to the subject at hand as long as you need to.

Seek First to Understand

You may recognize this wisdom from Steven Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  Your first task in an argument is to understand the other person's perspective.  Empathize - do your best to understand what the other person is feeling and what they're saying.  Look for where you are wrong.  No one is completely right in an argument ... there is always something you can learn.

Watch your language

Be mindful of the fact that your language will either inflame or calm the argument.  Keep yourself from raising your voice.  Don't use profanity, and don't use provocative words like "always" and "never".  These words put the other person on the defensive and can pull the argument down unproductive rabbit trails.

Stay on topic.  And only one topic.

You may be tempted to bring up old offenses, but don't.  When you pull in past issues, the argument breaks down rapidly into a negative rehearsal of past hurts.  Keep your focus on the present issue.

Don't attack character or name call

Calling names and attacking character damages the relationship.  Keep in mind that your goal is to work toward resolution of an issue.  Name calling and character attacks don't help.

Honor & affirm the other person, even though you're angry

Give the other person the gift of your confidence and trust.  Operating with confidence of unconditional love provides a safe place to be honest, and that brings deeper intimacy.

Never threaten to leave

Never insinuate you'll leave, and don't bring up divorce in an argument with your spouse.  Comments about leaving create insecurity, undermine your relationship, and weaken trust, and the necessity to rebuild that trust once the argument is resolved is a difficult task you don't want.


The best thing you can do in an argument is to make sure the fight itself doesn't do more damage to the relationship than the original offense.  Follow these rules and you'll not only get through the fight,  your relationship will be better on the other side of it.  Next, we'll talk about making a good apology.

for the introduction and index of the posts in this 31 Days series, click }here{

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Mom Talk #14: Be Generous

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Dearest Children of Mine,

We've talked about important qualities to look for in a potential husband or wife }here{ and }here{ and discussed how influential family is }here{.  If you're weary of all this love and marriage stuff, just let me get these last few posts about relationships out, and then we'll move on to things like dirty laundry ... won't that be fun?

Today I want to encourage you to be generous in your relationships, especially when you marry.

(image source - a great Entrepreneur article entitled How to Get Ahead by Being Generous)

I have a friend (let's call her Jessie) whose husband (we'll call him Rudy) loved to hunt.  Rudy loved to hunt like crazy, all out, loved-to-spend-days-and-days-in-the-woods hunt.  Rudy welcomed Jessie on all his hunting trips, but she had no interest. Since she didn't share the same passion for pre-dawn rangings looking for wild animals, not to mention multiple days without a shower, hunting became a very sore subject for these two.

Years later I ran into Jessie and tentatively asked if Rudy was still an avid hunter.  He was, in fact, and Jessie seemed quite content with it.  "So what turned things around for you?" I asked.  "Well,"  Jessie said, "for a long time I pushed the point and made him feel bad every time he went hunting, and he stopped going as often.  But I was making us both miserable keeping him from doing something he loved to do.  I finally realized that when he's happy, I'm happy.  I decided that if hunting makes him happy, then it should make me happy.  Now, when he goes hunting, I plan something fun to do myself instead of stay home and be mad at him for enjoying something I don't like to do.  We make an event of it when he comes home, and we tell our adventures to each other.  Hunting has actually been very good for our marriage."

The thing about being generous in your marriage - and in any relationship, really - is that the generosity pours into the common pot, and everyone partakes.  Jessie's generosity made Rudy happy, and Rudy, being happy, looked for ways to make Jessie happy.  That follows the principle of reflection that I talked about }here{.  Make it a habit to be generous in your relationships.  When generosity begins, a cycle of good will flows that benefits everyone.

Next, we'll talk about fighting done fairly.

for the introduction and index of the posts in this 31 Days series, click }here{

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Mom Talk #13: You Marry the Family, too

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Dearest Children of Mine,

I talked about looking for more than external beauty when considering a mate in }this{ post, addressed the necessity of being able to work with the person you spend the rest of your life with }here{, and I have one more word of advice the subject of considering a mate.

You marry the family, too.

The conventional and most obvious sense of marrying the family, too, is that the family of your potential mate will be in your life forever, which is true.  The family of your future wife or husband influences them deeply, and in that regard, the extended family is ever present in every marriage.

Here are three things to consider about a potential mate's family:

Does their family hold a growing relationship with Christ to be vital?

Predicting who that person you walk down the aisle with will turn into is impossible.  Your greatest assurance that the two of you are on the same road, and that it is a road that will lead to increased love, and joy, and peace, and goodness is to ensure that they also share a faith in Christ, a belief in God's purpose for their life, and conviction of His positive intent toward them.  Family influence over spiritual life will either support or detract from a lifetime of spiritual growth.  Does their family hold a growing relationship with Christ to be vital?

What is their family's stance on staying married?

Because you believe that marriage is a commitment for life, you need to know ... that you know ... that you know that the person you marry is also committed to marriage for a lifetime.  Marriage for a lifetime means two committed individuals who want to have a GREAT marriage and a great family that does great things.  Personal determination for commitment to a great marriage begins to a large extent in the family, thus not only do you need to know what your potential husband or wife believes about staying married, you also need to know what their family believes.  The family, in all its influence, will either support or detract from a desire for a great and lasting marriage.  What is their family's stance on staying married?

Does their family strive for success?

All good things come from success.  Consider whether or not the family of a potential husband or wife puts a priority on excellence.  Is there a drive for success, or is there neutrality - just waiting to see if things work out?  You want your future husband or wife to have a philosophy of life that will keep them constantly learning and improving, and a significant part of this is instilled in them initially by their family.  Does their family strive for success?


There are exceptions to every rule, and people do overcome family backgrounds that don't support a faith in Christ, staying married, or striving for success.   Understanding how your spouse is  influenced by their family in these critical areas can help you work together to build a strong and happy marriage.

Tomorrow, let's talk about generosity in relationships.

for the introduction and index of the posts in this 31 Days series, click }here{

thanks for reading!

Mom Talk #12: Choose Someone You Can Work With

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Dearest Children of Mine,

In the previous post, we explored the truth that beauty fades.  Although I know it's a long time until you're 55 and can start dating, in this post I'd like to speak to one of the most important things to think about when you consider the kind of person you'll marry.

Years ago, I caught up with a dear childhood friend and discovered she was living with a mutual friend also from our hometown.  "How is that working out?" I asked.  "You know what?"  she said.  "It's great.  We conflict sometimes, but to relieve the stress after we've each have our say, I cook and she cleans.  So when the dust settles, we have a clean apartment and a nice meal."  It was remarkably astute to understand how they each blew off steam and how it worked in their relationship.  When you're considering marriage partners, that kind of analysis should be part of your thought process.

What I'd like to discuss in this post is an element that isn't usually discussed in pre-marital counseling, but it affects your marriage relationship immensely.

The thing is, a great deal of life involves work.  That sounds like a drag, but as you grow up, you'll realize that what you once thought of only as "work" also equates to success, feeling accomplished and - I know it sounds crazy - pleasure.  As a child, I remember observing a woman busy working in her flower filled yard and feeling sorry for her that she had to spend a lovely summer afternoon working.  What I came to realize as an adult is that it was quite likely she was enjoying her time outside a great deal, and she probably took pleasure in the accomplishment of keeping a beautiful yard.  Work equals pleasure.  Trust me - you'll get there, too.

If a great deal of adult life involves work, it's hugely important to make sure that you can actually work with the person you marry.  As a couple you'll work on countless things together:  moving, finances, cleaning, cooking, raising children, and managing a home - the list is endless.

Some people prefer to work alone, others prefer to collaborate on every step along the way.  Some people want lots of detail about every step, others would rather figure out the method on their own as they go.  Some people are ready to get to work early in the morning, others prefer later in the day.  Everyone is different and there isn't a single workstyle that's correct.  When you look for someone to marry, consider their workstyle and find a person whose style is complimentary to yours.    

While we're on the subject, I have a few more words on considering what kind of person you want to marry.  Next we'll talk about family.

for the introduction and index of the posts in this 31 Days series, click }here{

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Mom Talk #11: Beauty Fades

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Dearest Children of Mine,

If you read yesterday's post, the secret is out and you now know how to get what you want.  Today I'd like to talk a little bit about a truth that's spoken often:  beauty fades.  Here are two reasons why you need to embrace this wisdom.

Physical beauty is a gift

Beyond being well groomed, we can't take credit for our physical appearance.  The beautiful people are beautiful because God made them that way.  Or, perhaps they're wealthy and can afford a great plastic surgeon; but even then, a person can't take credit for his or her own physical beauty.  There's nothing at all wrong with being or falling in love with someone who is beautiful.  But it's important to know that physical beauty is not identity, it is a gift hasn't been earned.  Physical beauty will fade.  Basing identity on the beauty of the soul is a foundation that stands the test of time.

Inner beauty is a lifetime achievement

It's your responsibility to grow an increasingly beautiful and healthy soul.  Marie Stropes said, "You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen.  But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing."  Enduring beauty is internal beauty, and with cultivation that inner beauty deepens and grows.  You'll want to be certain that the people around you also consider this a priority - especially the ones who will be in your life for a long time, because they will influence who you become.  

When you're young, your focus is naturally bent toward the physical.  God created you that way ... enjoy it!  But never let external beauty compensate for internal beauty.  Acknowledge and appreciate the external perks, and then move on to the more important aspect of evaluating true beauty, the beauty of the soul.  

Tomorrow, we'll discuss one of the most important elements of a relationship that works.

for the introduction and index of the posts in this 31 Days series, click }here{

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Mom Talk #10: How to Get What You Want

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Yesterday we talked about what you're projecting to the world.  Today I'm going to give you the answer to one of the most basic questions of life:  how do you get what you want?

I'm afraid there's no magic wand that can guarantee you'll get every single thing you ever want, but if you'll apply this tip, you'll come pretty close to it.  Happily, it turns out that the answer is stunningly simple.

Here's why:

When you know what you want, it's real

If you have some vague idea of what you want, but it's undefined and non specific, it's not possible for the thing to make its way to you because it has no form.  You have to know what it looks like, what it feels like, and what it sounds like.  If you don't, you may pass it right by and you'll never even know it.  When you clearly define what you want, and dream about the moment it comes to you, you'll recognize it.  Know what you want!

When you know what you want, and you get it, there's a bigger party

Compare your feelings when you receive two gifts:  one gift you've been longing for, the other very nice but not something you've ever considered for yourself.  Which gift do you appreciate and treasure more? It's the gift you've been longing for.  The unmatched sweetness of the dream fulfilled makes it all the sweeter when it appears.  Know what you want and you're cooking up greater joy in your life!

Humans are built to yearn 

God created us to desire.  Desire is the bedrock on which all of life's improvements are anchored.  Do you want your life to get better?  Outline your dreams, define your desires, trace out your hopes in your heart.  Desire attracts what you want to you.  It's true that you may not get everything you want ... but you'll be far more conscious of life's blessings and come much closer to getting what you want if you know exactly what it is you're looking for.


Dream big dreams.  Think about how you want your life to be.  Create your Bucket List, chase after your desires and strive to become that person you dream of being.

When you know what you want, you can get what you want.

Tomorrow we'll talk a little bit about a profound truth that's easy to dismiss when you're young.

for the introduction and index of the posts in this 31 Days series, click }here{

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