Mom Talk #12: Choose Someone You Can Work With

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Dearest Children of Mine,

In the previous post, we explored the truth that beauty fades.  Although I know it's a long time until you're 55 and can start dating, in this post I'd like to speak to one of the most important things to think about when you consider the kind of person you'll marry.

Years ago, I caught up with a dear childhood friend and discovered she was living with a mutual friend also from our hometown.  "How is that working out?" I asked.  "You know what?"  she said.  "It's great.  We conflict sometimes, but to relieve the stress after we've each have our say, I cook and she cleans.  So when the dust settles, we have a clean apartment and a nice meal."  It was remarkably astute to understand how they each blew off steam and how it worked in their relationship.  When you're considering marriage partners, that kind of analysis should be part of your thought process.

What I'd like to discuss in this post is an element that isn't usually discussed in pre-marital counseling, but it affects your marriage relationship immensely.

The thing is, a great deal of life involves work.  That sounds like a drag, but as you grow up, you'll realize that what you once thought of only as "work" also equates to success, feeling accomplished and - I know it sounds crazy - pleasure.  As a child, I remember observing a woman busy working in her flower filled yard and feeling sorry for her that she had to spend a lovely summer afternoon working.  What I came to realize as an adult is that it was quite likely she was enjoying her time outside a great deal, and she probably took pleasure in the accomplishment of keeping a beautiful yard.  Work equals pleasure.  Trust me - you'll get there, too.

If a great deal of adult life involves work, it's hugely important to make sure that you can actually work with the person you marry.  As a couple you'll work on countless things together:  moving, finances, cleaning, cooking, raising children, and managing a home - the list is endless.

Some people prefer to work alone, others prefer to collaborate on every step along the way.  Some people want lots of detail about every step, others would rather figure out the method on their own as they go.  Some people are ready to get to work early in the morning, others prefer later in the day.  Everyone is different and there isn't a single workstyle that's correct.  When you look for someone to marry, consider their workstyle and find a person whose style is complimentary to yours.    

While we're on the subject, I have a few more words on considering what kind of person you want to marry.  Next we'll talk about family.

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Mom Talk #11: Beauty Fades

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Dearest Children of Mine,

If you read yesterday's post, the secret is out and you now know how to get what you want.  Today I'd like to talk a little bit about a truth that's spoken often:  beauty fades.  Here are two reasons why you need to embrace this wisdom.

Physical beauty is a gift

Beyond being well groomed, we can't take credit for our physical appearance.  The beautiful people are beautiful because God made them that way.  Or, perhaps they're wealthy and can afford a great plastic surgeon; but even then, a person can't take credit for his or her own physical beauty.  There's nothing at all wrong with being or falling in love with someone who is beautiful.  But it's important to know that physical beauty is not identity, it is a gift hasn't been earned.  Physical beauty will fade.  Basing identity on the beauty of the soul is a foundation that stands the test of time.

Inner beauty is a lifetime achievement

It's your responsibility to grow an increasingly beautiful and healthy soul.  Marie Stropes said, "You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen.  But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing."  Enduring beauty is internal beauty, and with cultivation that inner beauty deepens and grows.  You'll want to be certain that the people around you also consider this a priority - especially the ones who will be in your life for a long time, because they will influence who you become.  

When you're young, your focus is naturally bent toward the physical.  God created you that way ... enjoy it!  But never let external beauty compensate for internal beauty.  Acknowledge and appreciate the external perks, and then move on to the more important aspect of evaluating true beauty, the beauty of the soul.  

Tomorrow, we'll discuss one of the most important elements of a relationship that works.

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Mom Talk #10: How to Get What You Want

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Yesterday we talked about what you're projecting to the world.  Today I'm going to give you the answer to one of the most basic questions of life:  how do you get what you want?

I'm afraid there's no magic wand that can guarantee you'll get every single thing you ever want, but if you'll apply this tip, you'll come pretty close to it.  Happily, it turns out that the answer is stunningly simple.

Here's why:

When you know what you want, it's real

If you have some vague idea of what you want, but it's undefined and non specific, it's not possible for the thing to make its way to you because it has no form.  You have to know what it looks like, what it feels like, and what it sounds like.  If you don't, you may pass it right by and you'll never even know it.  When you clearly define what you want, and dream about the moment it comes to you, you'll recognize it.  Know what you want!

When you know what you want, and you get it, there's a bigger party

Compare your feelings when you receive two gifts:  one gift you've been longing for, the other very nice but not something you've ever considered for yourself.  Which gift do you appreciate and treasure more? It's the gift you've been longing for.  The unmatched sweetness of the dream fulfilled makes it all the sweeter when it appears.  Know what you want and you're cooking up greater joy in your life!

Humans are built to yearn 

God created us to desire.  Desire is the bedrock on which all of life's improvements are anchored.  Do you want your life to get better?  Outline your dreams, define your desires, trace out your hopes in your heart.  Desire attracts what you want to you.  It's true that you may not get everything you want ... but you'll be far more conscious of life's blessings and come much closer to getting what you want if you know exactly what it is you're looking for.


Dream big dreams.  Think about how you want your life to be.  Create your Bucket List, chase after your desires and strive to become that person you dream of being.

When you know what you want, you can get what you want.

Tomorrow we'll talk a little bit about a profound truth that's easy to dismiss when you're young.

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Mom Talk #9: Things You Want Back

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Yesterday we talked about the truth that the people around you are very much a reflection of what you are projecting.  Today, let's talk about a three things that are winning projections.

Enthusiasm

The person in the crowd who is excited about being there and brings energy to a room is invaluable.  Enthusiasm is contagious and uplifting and energizing.  Be the person who brings it consistently, and people will notice.  You'll have influence.  And here's a little secret:  people love to do things for those who accept and appreciate enthusiastically.  Pour on the enthusiasm!

Engagement

If you are fully engaged in an activity, your whole brain is engaged and your posture projects interest.   People can see it from across the room.  You're listening, you're interacting with relevant comments and questions, and you're considering how the subject matter applies.  Engagement is active attention.  Give your full presence!

YES

One of my favorite illustrations from Chuck Swindoll is about Thomas Jefferson and what he projected to the world: 

During Thomas Jefferson's presidency he and a group of travelers were crossing a river that had overflowed its banks.  Each man crossed on horseback fighting for his life.  A lone traveler watched the group traverse the treacherous river and then asked President Jefferson to take him across.  The president agreed without hesitation, the man climbed on, and the two made it safely to the other side of the river where somebody asked him:  "Why did you select the President to ask this favor?"  The man was shocked, admitting he had no idea it was the President of the United States who had carried him safely across.  "All I know," he said, "is that on some of your faces was written the answer 'No' and on some of them was the answer 'Yes.'  His was a 'Yes' face."  (source)

In this illustration, the person who had the 'Yes' face got a passenger across a treacherous river, but you should know that the people who say YES have a lot more of everything - success, joy, adventure, influence, LIFE.  Say yes!

Are seeing people who are enthused, engaged and saying yes in your life?  If you are, that means you're doing a good job of projecting these qualities, because they're being reflected back to you.  Next up, we'll talk about how to get what you want.

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Mom Talk #8: Reflections All Around You

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Dearest Children of Mine,

In Mom Talk #7 we talked about why you should be nice.  Today I want to talk about how it happens that everywhere you go, you seem to meet up with the same people.

We had a standing joke with your Grandmother about this.  She and Granddaddy traveled a great deal, and on coming home after  every. single.  trip.  she would invariably report, "we met the nicest people!"  Eventually, we joked with her that the nicest people seemed to have her itinerary and were following her.  Honestly, it was one of her most admirable qualities.

There's an old story about a man who was looking for a new city in which to live.  He walked to the gates of a city and asked a wise man sitting beside the gate, "What are the people in this city like?"  The wise man asked him, "What are the people like in the city where you came from?'  "Oh," the first man said, "they are terrible.  They're unfriendly and they lie and cheat and steal.  You can't trust anybody."  The wise man advised, "The people of this city are exactly like that.  You should move on."  Later, another traveler approached the wise man.  "What are the people in this city like?" he asked.  The wise man asked again, "What are the people like in the city where you came from?"  "Oh," the man said, "they were the most wonderful people.  Kind, generous, friendly.  Just the best you could ever hope to meet!"  The wise man replied, "The people of this city are exactly like that.  Please enter in!"

People are reflectors.  Whatever we project, that's what we'll see reflected in those around us.  I have no doubt that every person who met your Grandmother on her travels went home and reported that they had met the nicest woman.   Because she was warm and genuine and friendly, that's the kind of people she encountered time after time, the whole world over.

If you find that you don't like the reflections you're seeing in the people around you, change what you're projecting.  I'm certain you'll see a difference.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about a few things you should consider about what you're projecting.

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Mom Talk #7: Why You Should be Nice

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Dearest Children of Mine,

In Mom Talk #6, we talked about attitude, and today I'd like to introduce you to attitude's best friend.   I think maybe you know my basic philosophy of life can be summed up by Thumper.

(image source)

 Just be nice.  Let me take a moment to give you a few good reasons why.

It gets on you, too

We all know the magic of air freshener.  Imagine everything you do, everything you say, every gesture you make releases a fragrance into the air.  Being nice then, smells like baking pumpkin bread.  Or maybe ginger snaps.  The thing is, whatever you're putting out into the air, you have to breathe, too.  Make it nice.  

Your own kindness can heal you

You know the Golden Rule of treating other people the way you want to be treated.  Certainly when you treat others with kindness, they benefit.  But being nice also has a boomerang affect that can heal your own hurts.  If you were the neglected child, extending kindness to a neglected child heals that hurt.  If you need kindness, give it to someone else and see for yourself.  It comes back to fill your own heart.

Nice is attractive

Well, yes, I mean it like that.  I also mean that being nice attracts nice.  We all need it, and when you are nice to people, they tend to be nice back.  And isn't that nice?

Next, we'll consider reflections.

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Mom Talk #6: Attitude is Everything

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Mom Talk #5 was about just how easy it is to be above average.  Here, we'll talk about something you carry with you wherever you go, and it's the most powerful thing in your world.

It has the power to propel you at light speed toward success, jettison you to the front of the line, cut through red tape like butter, recolor your world with rainbows.

It's your attitude.

Your Granddaddy was an exemplary example of good attitude applied to life.  He visited nursing home patients regularly and I remember him telling about one gentleman he visited frequently.  As they closed their visit one afternoon, Mr. Wills said, "Well, I guess I better get outside and watch the vapor trails."  Granddaddy marveled at and admired the contentment with which Mr. Wills stated his intent.  Attitude is your whole world.  Attitude is everything.

Granddaddy carried this poem in his wallet for years:

Outside my window, a new day I see,

And only I can determine what kind of day it will be.

It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,

or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.

My own state of mind is the determining key,

for I'm only the person I'll let myself be.

I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,

or be selfish and think just of myself

I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,

or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.

I can be patient with those who may not understand

or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.

But I have faith God will help me and believe what I say,

and I personally intend to make the best of each day.

                                                - Author Unknown, (italicized words adapted)

This poem resonated deeply with your Granddaddy, and it completely delighted him.  It put into words his deep seeded belief that we each have the power to paint our worlds with sunshine or dark clouds.  He was bothered that the original poem stated "I have faith in myself" since he knew that faith in self is destined to disappoint.  So, we played around with the words and adapted it to acknowledge that our help comes from God.  I typed the poem out for him and he carried it in his wallet, but really he was fond of quoting the poem to people from memory.  It was extremely charming and endearing to everyone who had the privilege to hear it from him, because he meant every word of it.

 Massively powerful, your attitude is the   o n e  t h i n g   in life that you have complete control over.  You choose what to focus on, you choose what things mean to you, you choose whether it's the end or the beginning, you choose sunny or gray.  Your attitude is your world.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about the super power that is attitude's best friend.

for the introduction and index of the posts in this 31 Days series, click }here{

thanks for reading!