Mom Talk #27: Take Responsibility

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Dearest Children of Mine,

You may be thinking you got off easy with only 26 posts in this 31 Days Blog Series.  But wait!  There's more!!  There are actually 31 entries for the Mom Talks series, I'm just going to need some of November to get them all in.  Because you know ... when it comes to Mom Talks, I have LOTS to say :o)

In the last post I gave you some tips for arriving on time.  Today, I'll tell you about my most embarrassing professional life moment that still makes me cringe, and the lesson I learned from it.  It has to do with cookies, responsibility, and what happens if you don't take it.

Before I quit my corporate job to be a stay at home, homeschooling Mom, I had a fabulous opportunity to work on a special project for our Vice President on a series of first ever Team Meetings for our department.  It was an opportunity for exposure that I probably wasn't quite ready for, and I certainly didn't grasp its potential.  But it afforded me some pretty slick experiences, all of which were good, with one exception that is forever immortalized in  my mind as The Cookie Incident.

Among other things on this Team Meeting project, I was responsible for ordering and organizing the post-meeting refreshments.  Well before the first kick off meeting at corporate headquarters, I placed an order with the corporate kitchen and confirmed the order should be delivered to the top floor executive meeting room.  Two weeks before the meeting, I followed up with my contact to make sure everything was in order.  Finally, the day of the meeting arrived, and about 20 minutes before the meeting concluded, I slipped out to make sure the refreshments had arrived ... only to find no refreshments ... anywhere. 

I was mortified.

I rushed downstairs to the cafeteria, which I found closed up tighter than a bank vault.  I pounded on the door to no avail, then raced to my office to call the kitchen manager on the phone.  Maybe the staff was just busy putting the finishing touches on the cookie trays and couldn't answer the door?  Alas, no answer on the phone, either.  

I went back to the meeting, wholly terrified.  I knew I should make an announcement that there would be no refreshments, but thinking about standing up in front of a hundred of my colleagues to say, of all things, "There will be no cookies" had me completely paralyzed.  It was such a stupid situation.  I desperately tried to send my boss telepathic messages across the room, hoping he would somehow bail me out, but my powers of telepathy were as efficient as my powers of getting cookies delivered that day.  The meeting ended, and a hundred people wandered around in the foyer, only to conclude that there were no cookies to be found.  

Afterward, I apologized and explained to my boss and the Vice President that I had placed the order but the cookies and drinks hadn't been delivered.  The Vice President wasn't particularly chatty and didn't say much, but it was her meeting and it made her look bad that promised refreshments hadn't been delivered.  Although no one ever mentioned the incident again, I'm sure no matter how well I performed in my job thereafter, to this Vice President, and possibly more people than I'm willing to imagine, I was:

The Girl Who Didn't Bring the Cookies.  

Sigh.

How I wish I had confirmed the order with the kitchen staff the day before the meeting.  But my greatest regret is that I didn't take the opportunity to transform a bad situation into a chance to shine by taking responsibility for it.  

Accepting responsibility is always the better choice.  Here are three reasons why:

When you take responsibility, you gain authority

Accepting responsibility shows your understanding of a situation, demonstrates your grasp of its implications, and displays your capabilities.  Results build credibility, and the person who takes action or addresses an issue has the authority.  It's always the person getting things done that people listen to.  When you take responsibility, you are a leader, and that gives you authority.

When you take responsibility, people give you a break

Particularly when you've made a mistake, taking responsibility moves you on and helps everyone else let it go.  If you've made a mistake, whoever is in authority over you is responsible to make sure you don't make the same mistake again.  When they trust that you understand the situation and have learned what you need to learn, they'll know you don't need further correction.  [Hint:  file this one under How to Get Mom to Stop Talking next time you're called on the carpet for something.  You will be amazed at how well it works.]

When you take responsibility, you distinguish yourself

We've all been there at one time or another, and everyone knows that when you've made a mistake, it takes guts to shoulder the responsibility.  It takes strong character to own up to a mistake, but the reward is that when you do, people remember you were tough enough not only to admit something went wrong, but to own it.  This isn't necessarily a rare occurrence, but it's gutsy enough to get you noticed every single time.

Because it gives you power to act on your situation and make things better, taking responsibility is always the better way.  When you do, you gain authority, move the focus to the next step, and distinguish yourself as a person of strong character. Always ... the better way.  

We have four more Mom Talks to go!  Next we'll talk about the importance of who you work for.

There will be no cookies.  

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Mom Talk # 26: How to Be On Time

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Dearest Children of Mine,

We talked about what you wear to work and the importance of suiting up }here{. Today, let's talk about how to get yourself out the door and arrive on time.

Not only does arriving on time allow you to enter a meeting, interview or social event feeling calm and focused, it conveys some extremely positive things about you:

• You respect the other person and their time
• You are reliable
• You keep your word and are trustworthy
• You manage your time and your schedule well

Being on time doesn't just happen though; you have to take steps toward it with intention. To make sure you're on time consistently, no matter where you're going, you must consider being on time to be a choice and take responsibility for it.  Here are a few things you can do to set yourself up for punctuality:

Know your route

Do your research when you make the appointment - use an online map to determine how you're going to get there, and especially note how long the drive will take you.  It's important to do this before the day of the appointment, so that this part of your plan is already done and doesn't take up your time the day you need to go.

Plan to arrive 10 minutes early, not on time

Your target arrival time is 10 minutes before the appointment, not the actual time of the appointment.  You need a moment to check in, put your coat away, pull things out of your briefcase, whatever.  Pad your time plan and consider 10 minutes before your scheduled appointment to be, in your mind, the arrival time.

Work out your schedule

Think your schedule through with precise detail, and then you can let yourself run on autopilot.  Consider how much time everything will take you:

10 minutes ... Ironing my shirt

45 minutes ... Dressing

35 minutes ... Commute

10 minutes ... parking/walking to building

100 minutes ... TOTAL 

Then add 15 minutes for the unexpected:  traffic is unusually heavy, you take a wrong turn, you can't find a parking place.  Work backwards from the time you want to arrive to figure out when you need to leave.  Thus in this example, to arrive at 9:50 for a 10:00 appointment, you need 115 minutes, or an hour and 55 minutes (you may as well round that to 2 hours), and should begin your leaving process - all those steps lined out above - at 7:50.

It helps to be exceedingly precise with this exercise.  Our brains like to round down on how long things will take, and if you aren't painstakingly specific, you'll convince yourself you can sleep a few more minutes, check this one more website, or get this one thing done.  If you know precisely what time you need to begin your process, it's not so easy to let things bleed.  

Round UP

You know it's true:  everything takes longer than you think it will.  Do yourself a favor: round up when you're calculating time required to get yourself somewhere.  Don't think in 5 minute segments, think in 10's.  Don't think in 15 minute segments, think in 30's.  

Establish your last minute checklist

Every time your Granddaddy left the house, he checked his pockets.  It went something like:  left front - pocket change, right front - keys, left rear - handkerchief, right rear - wallet.  Thus, he never left the house without these important things.  You should do the same.  Start with knowing how many things you need to be walking out the door with, and then make a mental checklist and go through it just before you head out the door every single time.  It's also a good idea to assemble the things you always take with you in the same place all the time.  That way, when you need to go somewhere unexpectedly, it's all right there ready to grab.  

Use a timer, not a clock

Finally, you should know how long it takes to drive from home to points A, B, and C.  When you leave, set your car's timer feature to zero and don't look at the clock.  That can help relieve the stressful adrenaline rush that looking at the clock can bring and will help you arrive in a more relaxed state.

If you do all these things, you'll be consistently early.  Don't let yourself think being early is a waste of your time - it's an easy investment that builds your reputation, makes you feel good about yourself,  and gives you the advantage of being collected and relaxed everywhere you go.    

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Mom Talk #25: Suit Up!

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Yesterday I gave you some ideas about things to say and not to say.  Today, let's talk about your clothes.  We won't talk about all your clothes, just your work clothes, because they can make a difference in what people think about you, how people treat you, and how you feel about yourself in the workplace.

As you enter the workplace, note the environment and dress to fit in - if it's a corporate environment, you need to dress like a professional.  Dress one step up if you have aspirations to move up on the corporate ladder.  This will help others take you seriously, and help them envision you as someone who is promotable.

Not only will wearing professional attire help others take you more seriously, it will help you take yourself more seriously.  You know this is true.   Think about how you walk when you're wearing your PJs and slippers as opposed to when you're dressed in your very best, right down to the shoes.  See what I mean?

Does this go against your free spirit, "I've got to be me" style?  It did mine, too.  But think of it like this:  if you were going to play football with a professional football team, you would suit up with the pads and the uniform, wouldn't you?  Business attire is just suiting up - putting on the equipment and uniform appropriate to the game you're playing.

Whether you like it or not, it's a simple truth that we are judged by appearance.  The principle of first impressions is real, and you should use it to your advantage, if no where else but the workplace.

Now that we've talked about dressing for work, we'll next talk about getting to work.

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Mom Talk #24: Say this, not that!

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Pop Quiz!  What are the three things your Granddaddy recommended for a long and healthy life?  If you don't know, read yesterday's post Three Keys to Good Health.

Today I'd like to offer some thoughts on things you should and shouldn't say, particularly if you want to establish yourself as exceptional young people.

Pretty much, you shouldn't mumble anything.  But offering a pleasant greeting in the morning - or a pleasant greeting any time of day, for that matter - is a convention that can set you apart, set the tone for your interactions, and set other people up to view you favorably.

 It's okay not to know the answer to a question.  But if you say only "I don't know", it can be interpreted to mean "I don't care" or "It's not my problem".  If someone asks you a question and you don't know the answer, take responsibility for finding it out. 

One word answers can come across as cocky, and they're not at all conversational.  When you answer a question, answer in a complete sentence, since using more words in your answer invites further conversation.  Allow your tone of voice to convey a secondary message of warmth or competence over the rest of the sentence.  

If someone tells you something that you know, chances are they're telling you because your behavior indicates that you don't.  So, if you do know, let your behavior speak for you, and no one will have to tell you what you already know.  Saying "I know" makes you look foolish when someone tells you something you appear to be unaware of ... if you know you shouldn't be spitting over the banister, then why are you doing it?  Instead of saying "I know", try "yes, that's right", "I agree", or "that's true".  You might even consider a humble "you're right". 

Give some thought to your speech patterns and the things you say frequently, and make sure they're setting you apart in a positive way.

Tomorrow, I have some thoughts for you about the clothes you wear.

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Mom Talk #23: Three Keys to Good Health

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Yesterday we covered the importance of choosing your friends wisely.  Today, I'd like to share some advice with you that I heard all my life and only took me about 40 years to appreciate.  I hope it won't take you quite so long!

The source of this advice is your very own Granddaddy, and you know well that not only did he talk the talk, he - literally and figuratively - walked the walk.  My own advice to you is to take care of your body, and start right now.  Granddaddy's advice is specific and practical, and it really is just this simple.

Eat right

For Granddaddy, eating right had a lot to do with not "overloading the system", and that basically means don't eat too much.  A good meal was a great pleasure to him, but afterward he would ease up on the intake until his digestive system had recovered.  He was aware of how food made him feel, and adjusted accordingly.  

Get enough rest

This is a no brainer until you realize just how far and frequently we push our bodies into sleep deficit.  When you are rested, you think more clearly, have more energy, and your mood is more steady.  Know how much sleep you need, and then make sure you get it!  

Exercise

Growing up and working on a farm gave your Granddaddy plenty of exercise in his younger years.  When he was in the Air Force, the calisthenics program played a big part in resolving chronic back pain.  He took up jogging in his mid-life years (complete with 1970's jogging suits), and when jogging was no longer optimal, walking was his thing, even into his 90's.



When you live a long and healthy life of 93 years, you can claim authority on how you made it so far so well.  Take your Granddaddy's word for it - "Eat right, get enough rest, and exercise" will keep you healthy and feeling great.

Next up: "Say This, Not That".

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Mom Talk #22, The Company You Keep

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Dearest Children of Mine,

We've talked about processing your feelings and being your own best friend though journaling.  Now I'd like to talk to you about the importance of choosing your real life friends with careful intent.

There are four levels of friends:  acquaintances, casual friends, close friends and intimate friends.  The deeper the friendship, the more intentional you need to be about the people you pursue to be your friends.

 

It won't be too difficult to find people with whom you have affinity ... but you also need to consider how wise your intimate friends are.  When life throws you hard knocks, your friends will be your closest advisers.  Make sure that the people who can make you laugh the hardest can also give you wise counsel when things get serious.

Since guilty by association applies even to friendships, you should seek friends who are making good life choices.  Even if you aren't directly involved in bad decisions made by friends, the consequences of their decisions can have significant impact on you.  Make sure that your friends are not consistently needing your help to get past stupid decisions or refusing to take responsibility for their own lives.

Eventually, you begin to resemble the people you spend the most time with.  Your closest friends are the people who will influence who you are now and more importantly, who you become.  Your friends should be people you admire, people who inspire you, and people who encourage you to improve and to grow.

While you're considering the character quality of the people you spend the most time with, you should spend some time considering the quality of your own character.  If the best way to make a friend is to be one, the best way to make an excellent friend is to be excellent yourself.

Tomorrow, we'll visit some great advice from your Granddaddy.

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Mom Talk #21: Write it Down

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Dearest Children of Mine,

Previously, we talked about how much easier it is to deal with things when they're fresh - the longer you wait, the harder it gets, whether it's a bug on the windshield or something you need to get right with another person.  Today, the topic relates to helping yourself sort out matters of the heart.

“There is a basin in the mind where words float around on thought and thought on sound and sight. Then there is a depth of thought untouched by words, and deeper still a gulf of formless feelings untouched by thought.”  ― Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

In my opinion, the very best way to sort through your feelings is to write them out, and it's my strong recommendation that you develop a regular habit of journaling.  You can write in a paper journal or keep a digital journal, write free form, use a template or writing prompts.  Find what works best for you, and write consistently.

Here are some reasons why journaling can be a great thing in your life:

Process your feelings

Just because your feelings fill up your heart doesn't necessarily mean you know what they are. Writing will help you figure out what you feel and will naturally help you explore why you feel that way.

Find the right words

If you're in a situation that's going to require a difficult conversation, journaling can help you put your feelings into words.  It can also help prevent saying hurtful things if you get the ugly words and feelings out privately before you have a discussion.  One caveat:  you must never leave hurtful words in your journal that you wouldn't someone else to see.  After you write the hard stuff out, it must be destroyed, and you may find that knowing the hurtful things you write are to be destroyed will help you be more wholly honest with yourself.

Be heard

We all need to have our say, but sometimes there's no one around to listen, or maybe the people  around you won't really understand. The fact is, no one is more interested in what you have to say than you, and no one understands you better :o)  You can act as your own best friend in the pages of your own journal.

Find a solution

You'll see that there's a natural turning toward optimism and solving problems when you write long enough.  Eventually you'll make the mental shift from talking about what's happening and how you feel about it to what you're going to do about it.


Journaling isn't just for dramatic teenage girls.  Keeping a journal can be a fun way to capture snapshots of your life and chronicle your personal life lessons.

Next, a word about the company you keep.

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