Thought Whisperer

The dogs stand on the back porch, and they bark.  

They bark.
And they bark.
And they bark.

I know that if I shush them, shout their names angrily, and demand that they be quiet, they will advance upon whatever lurks there in the gloom beyond the trees, barking all the more, louder and louder in response to my hushing, adamant about a confrontation, intent on making sure everyone within 25 miles knows: something is there.

I also know that if I go out on the porch to them and stand in the chill of the morning and peer into the misty air, the dogs will come to me.  If I go out to them and acknowledge something is there, perhaps even something nefarious, something that doesn't belong - if I just acknowledge it, the dogs will come stand quietly beside me.  If I acknowledge their agitation, and praise them for doing their job and assure them everything is all right, be it a deer, or a coyote, or a wild hog out there in the dark, they will snort indignantly, bristle their hair and emit a quiet "woof" now and again ... but they will quiet.

This is like my mind with the frustrations, the limitations, the injustices, the worries. If I hush and shush my thoughts, they clamor all the more loudly.  But ... if I stand quietly with them, and acknowledge they are there, they will settle.  If I acknowledge the parts of me that are frazzled, overwhelmed, indignant and hurting - and maybe offer a little compassion and care - they quiet.  The frenzied thoughts no longer clamor for my attention.  They've done their job to alert me of a tender place in my heart that needs some gentle care, and they stand quietly with me ready to be directed toward more beneficial paths.

It's taken me a lifetime to learn ... I have to be the thought-whisperer to my own thoughts.

In Praise of Affirmations ... it works for me!

Welcome to Day 29 of the 31 Days series It Works for Me!

yes ... 

I'm pretending it's still October 

and am determined to finish out the 31 posts for the 31 Days series ... 

28 down, 3 to go!

Look out ...

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it's more psychobabble!

I've mentioned before I love self-improvement literature.

  One very common recommendation is the practice of positive affirmations.

I know what you're thinking!

it's okay to laugh ... it does seem a little silly!

But the countless wise people who recommend positive affirmations can't all be wrong. 

If you've never tried this practice, let me tell you a little about what I understand of it.

The Bible is my foundation for seeking and testing wisdom.  

I believe all true wisdom is rooted in Biblical principle.

You know the verse ...

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The power of your thoughts is a force to be reckoned with.  

Basically, your mind doesn't make the distinction between what you think and reality.  

Thus, when you tell yourself that people like you, doggone it ... 

your mind believes it to be truth.

And when your mind believes it, you become it. 

There really is something to it.  

We all have self-talk going on in our heads all the time.  Positive affirmations are intentional positive statements that you tell yourself about yourself.  Especially if you have a habit of negative self-talk, using positive affirmations can help you re-program your thinking.  

A couple important points:  

-  Affirmations should be in the present tense.  As in "I am", as opposed to "I want to be" or 

"I will be".  Telling yourself you will be tells your mind that you don't have to right now.  Using the present tense is a little like tricking yourself.  Your mind dwells in the present, 

so telling yourself you are means it simply is.  

-  Affirmations should always be stated positively.  As in "I feel energetic and hopeful" as opposed to "I am not tired and discouraged".  For some reason, your mind hears "tired" and "discouraged" and ignores the not.  So always make sure your statement is clear and positive.

-  Affirmations should be believable.  Although your mind can be "tricked" into believing something is reality if you state it in the present tense, it will not be tricked into believing something that isn't credible.  So stating "I am an Olympic marathon runner" would be counter-productive, since my mind would get into an argument with itself because please, this is nowhere close to the truth.  However, stating "I am an exerciser" is believable, and it helps me build the habit.  

Initially, I was skeptical, but I decided to give it a shot.  

As an experiment, I told myself "I am happy."  

And while I knew that I already was happy, telling myself I was happy 

made me mindful of being happy ... and lo and behold, 

I became happier.  

There was a time when I felt as though every. single. decision 

took way too much effort and mental anguish ... 

so I began telling myself "I am decisive".  

I was surprised at how quickly I found making decisions to be less stressful and time consuming.  

It's like a switch is flipped, your mind goes back to what it's been told, 

and it acts accordingly.

I'm not trying to tell you that you can make vast and sweeping personal changes 

just by using positive affirmations.  For me, they help me visualize more clearly the person I want to be, and that takes me just a little step closer to being that person.  I go through periods where I use affirmations more regularly than not, and I would say that the days when I think on them are better than the days that I don't.  

I still have my first list of character qualities that I wanted to develop from which I created my list of affirmations.  I don't sit still and go through affirmations in a formal meditation, I generally just think on them while I'm doing more or less menial tasks.  

Repetition of the same affirmations seems to have a more sustained effect.  

Why?

Because I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough ... and doggone it ... people like me.

:o)

Affirmations ... it works for me!

Watch the Movie of Your Life ... it works for me!

Welcome to Day 25 of the 31 Days series It Works for Me!

I love a good movie.  A lot.  

My enduring favorites are the ones where you get a deep sense 

of another woman's life and home.  

Like Meryl Streep in It's Complicated ...

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Like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail ...

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Like Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats ...

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And of course we all know how movies are ... the sets are gorgeous and homey, 

the clothes are beautiful, the girl gets the guy, the guy gets the girl, 

and it all just makes you feel good.

So sometimes when I get under-motivated, I play the movie game. 

I started this game years ago, when I was working outside the home.  

I was a small town girl, and I  moved to the big city and got a job in corporate America

at a major airline.  It was pretty wonderful.

But like everything else, there were days when I didn't really want to go to work.  

So, I would play the movie game.  

In my mind's eye, I would watch myself drive my cute little car to this big corporate headquarters, dressed in professional attire complete with hose and high heels.  

I would watch me walk into the building with other yuppie professionals, 

check in with the receptionist, turn the lights on in my office, and sit down behind my desk.  

I would see myself look out my office window, knowing that I could travel over the weekend if there were seats available to just about any place I wanted to go.  

And suddenly, it wasn't so bad to be me, even though I was at work.  

There were still phone calls to make, people to see, reports to complete, projects to push, 

but somehow lifting myself out of "me" for a minute and watching my life from the outside 

helped me see the good stuff a little more clearly.

Now ... nearly 18 years after I traded my high heels for something more comfortable ... 

I still play the movie game from time to time.  

It never fails to jerk the grumbling right out of me. 

 I'm not saying my life is just like a movie ... 

but I am saying that when I take a minute to pull the camera back to a wide angle, 

where I get a panorama of where I am, who I am, and the job God has blessed me with ... 

I realize there are blessings everywhere I look.  

It's like that saying, "if all the troubles of the world were heaped into a big pile,

 and we could choose which troubles we carried away from it,

 most of us would just as soon walk away with the ones we came with."  

Sometimes, it just takes a movie screen perspective to help me see that a little more clearly.  

It works for me!

Don't play the blame game ... it works for me!

Welcome to Day 23 of the 31 Days Series It Works for Me!

Shortly after LtDan and I married, we attended a marriage seminar at our church.  

Honestly, I can't remember a whole lot from the seminar. 

 But I'm convinced that what little I do recall has significantly contributed to my own sanity 

in relating to the rest of humankind, and probably a good bit to building a happy marriage.

I wish I could remember who presented the seminar, or what it was called so I could give them due credit.   What I do remember is the example of the trashcan.  It nicely encapsulates the gist of the whole seminar.  

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See, to the wife, it was important that the trash be emptied every day.  

And more than that, it was important that the husband empty the trash every day.  

Even if it really wasn't full.  

Growing up, her father emptied the trash upon arriving home in the evening after work, 

whether it was full or not, 

and so she expected her husband to do the same. 

 But he didn't.  

And it drove.

her.

crazy.  

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In the husband's home, whoever happened to be around 

when the trash can burgeoned was the one who emptied it.  No big deal.  

If it needed to be emptied, someone emptied it.  

He did a hilarious pantomime of how he'd gotten it down to a fine art of pushing the trash 

deep down into the trash can so it didn't need to be emptied as often.  

At one point, the wife refused to empty the trash.  

She left the trashcan half full.  

She pulled it into the middle of the kitchen.  

The trash began to crowd the top of the can.   

She walked around the almost full trashcan in the middle of her kitchen floor for two days. 

Finally, she had an epiphany.  

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The trash wasn't a big deal to her husband.  

"Emptying the trash is more important to me than it is to him.  So if emptying the trash can is such a big deal to me, why am I spending so much emotional energy blaming my husband for not emptying it?  

Why don't I just empty the trashcan myself and be happy??? 

If it's really a big deal to me, then I should just take responsibility for it and stop blaming him for not doing it."

I'm sure there was much more substantive material offered that day.  

They had a cute and quippy slogan about:

 "Don't play the blame game,

[insert catchy phrase here about taking responsibility for things, and make it rhyme]!"  

I wish I could remember the positive side of the slogan, but for me, it's kind of boiled down to, 

"if something is a big deal to me, I'm not going to blame someone else for not doing it, 

I'm just going to take the responsibility for it and do it."  

Sometimes, it's appropriate to negotiate things, to assert your feelings, or to train your children.  And of course there are layers upon layers of arguments that can be made ... if they love me, they'll do it because they know it's important to me ... why do I always have to be the one to do this, they should help ... it's not my turn ... I'm working harder than anyone else, I'm doing all the work ... they know it's important to me and that's why they're not doing it, it's a power play ... on and on and on.

But in the meantime ... guess who's feeling bugged about the overflowing trashcan?  

:o)

Just not worth it in my book.  

I'm not saying I don't get frustrated with other people ... not by a long shot.  

But I've learned that not being angry and not playing the blame game 

means a lot less frustration. 

It works for me!

Happy Hour ... it works for me!

Welcome to day 21 of the 31 Days series It Works for Me!

Greetings from somewhere between Texas and Arkansas :o) 

Friday I wrote about taking breaks.  And then we went to my in-laws home in Arkansas

and I came down with a wicked cold and slept while everyone talked and laughed.

Boo for missing all the family fun!  

But I got lots of unexpected sleep, breakfast and two cups of coffee in bed … not all bad!

As we’re on the road and my creative juices are flowing somewhere below optimal, today I would like to repost one of my first blog posts, about Happy Hour …

I remember being perplexed by Happy Hour as a kid. Were you not supposed to be happy except between the hours of 4pm and 7pm? And what exactly made “happy hour” happy”?

Tonight I met my husband and my brother&sister-in-law at Gordon Biersch for Happy Hour. Let me just tell you, it’s not drinks that compel me, it’s the garlic fries. They would make a vampire blow his diet. So it's the garlic fries. And the company, of course.

 I'm a stay-at-home Mom, and we live in the country, 

so going into the city is a fun change of pace.

Did you ever watch the show "Dallas"?

they were always going "into the city", dressing snazzy, driving their convertibles on freeways that strangely had no traffic ...

 ... anyway ...

Today I'm thankful for Happy Hour. 

But not that kind of Happy Hour. I don't remember where I read about this concept - it's certainly not original to me. Anyway, the idea is to pre-determine moments in your day when you’ll be happy.

So in the morning, I tell myself, "I'll be happy today when I see the pumpkins on the front porch.”

Zing! happy.

or, "I'll be happy today when I see my morning glories (that survived the dogs ... and the horse ... and the hottest, driest summer in years)."

Zing! happy.

or, "I'll be happy today when company comes to the door."

Zing! happy.

Most of the time my list includes things like hearing my children laugh, or seeing my husband drive up in his truck, or hearing my dad come into the kitchen. I make a list in the morning, telling myself when I'll be happy and it sets up little pockets of happy all day long … happy hours, you see.

So, here’s to happy hour. I’m thankful for it today :o)

  

So what about you?  Have you had your happy hour today?

Imagery ... it works for me!

Welcome to Day 4 of the 31 Days series It Works for Me!

I love a good self-improvement book.  

Self-improvement, self-help, psycho babble, whatever you like to call it :o)  

I've read some great ones and skimmed through some kooky ones, 

but I've gleaned some pretty good stuff over the years.  

Today, you're in luck, the doctor is in ... 

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I'd like to talk to you about imagery.  

 It's the visual version of positive thoughts.  

"And gosh darn it, people like me!!"  

(quick! who says that?)

Imagery is helpful when I deal with my kids.  Most of the time I find my children to be delightful, 

but sometimes they need to be dealt with.  

Sometimes I'm a lighthouse ... 

they're in the fog, in a dangerous place, and I am the lighthouse, 

standing firm, not moving, showing them the safe way.

Sometimes I'm a mirror ... 

reflecting back to them the reality that they sometimes can't see: 

you're fabulous!  you're awesome!  you're wonderful!

Sometimes I'm a wall ... 

maybe not a brick wall, but a cushy one.  Definitely will stop you, but there's a little bit of give so you don't hurt yourself too badly.  But you aren't going beyond here.

Yesterday, I talked to my mother-in-law on the phone.  It was a catching up call and I gave her the run down on the whole family.  And then, she said, "And how's Melissa?  How are you doing?" And the way she said it made me feel like what I do here is as important as the job of a five star general, and my eyes teared up with the empathy in her voice.  "Well," I said, "I'm pretty overwhelmed with everything."  

So we talked a little bit about that, and she said, 

"Getting everything done is like eating an elephant.  You eat it one bite at a time."  

Point well taken.  

Imagery magic, right there.  

Since eating an elephant isn't all that appealing to me,

today when I encounter my feelings of overwhelm, I think of a mountain climber.  

They don't freak out about how far it is to the top.  

They sure don't let themselves freak out about how far it is to fall.  

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They focus on the step right in front of them.  

And eventually, they're planting the flag on the mountain top.

Somehow, holding the image in my head helps me be more of what I need to be.  

Imagery ... it works for me!